Galway Advertiser 2008/GA_2008_05_29/GA_2905_E1_020.pdf 

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Galway Advertiser

May 29 2008

NEWS

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FASHION

BEAUTY

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H E A LT H

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LIFE

MARY
When a loved one dies the heartbreak and despair can seem unbearable. As well as shock, people can experience numbness, disbelief, pain, guilt and anger. This emptiness and profound sadness is unmatched compared with other losses, explains husband and wife team Iggy Clarke, a local psychologist and psychotherapist and Mariel Forde Clarke, a holistic and spiritual teacher/trainer. They will hold a workshop on loss/grieving in Galway next month called "Loved Ones - a Whisper Away". People's worlds tend to stop after a death, they say. "You know the exact time your loved one died or the exact moment you were told. It is marked in your mind. Your world takes on a slowness, a numbness and indescribable pain. The sense of loss and grief that accompanies death is very personal. "People may share the experience of their losses. They may try to console and comfort you in the only way they know. But your loss stands alone in its meaning to you, in its painful uniqueness." There are five stages of grief denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Iggy says these stages were never meant to slot deep emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people experience. The first stages, denial and shock, help us cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to face our feelings of grief. to. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss." Bargaining - which allows us to believe that we can restore order to the chaos that has taken over our lives - can give the body time to heal and adjust,explains Iggy. It may fill the gaps that our strong emotions generally dominate and which often keep suffering at a distance. "Some people believe that if they become spiritual enough, they will be able to cure their diseases. This, however, is bargaining, not spirituality! Bargaining can be an important reprieve from pain that occupies one's grief. It can help our mind move from one state of loss to another."

O'CONNOR

Living with loss

Empty feelings
After bargaining our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever, he says. "It is important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left Iggy Clarke and Mariel Forde Clarke . Photo:-Mike Shaughnessy in a fog of intense sadness, wondering perhaps if there is gone. Finding acceptance may many religions refer to them as angels. Most any point in going on alone. be just having more good days guardian than bad ones." researchers would call them Why go on at all?" spirit guides." He says depression after a She believes that people who loss is too often seen as die are always met by those who unnatural, a state to be fixed. Re-integrate "The loss of a loved one is a very With time people begin to re- preceded them in death and depressing situation and integrate. As they begin to whom they loved in life. "A child we may have lost, depression is a normal and "live" again and enjoy life they appropriate response. To not often feel that in doing so they perhaps years earlier, a experience depression after a are betraying their loved ones. grandparent, a mother or other who have been loved one dies would be "We can never replace what people unusual. When a loss fully has been lost but we can make significant in our lives." Saying goodbye and letting go settles in your soul the new connections and establish realisation that your loved one new meaning in our lives. We does not mean we are going to didn't get better this time and is begin to live again but this forget about our loved one, she not coming back is cannot happen until we have explains. "It means we are understandably depressing." given grief its time. Some take moving on in life without their If you are depressed try not comfort in their faith and the physical presence but we hold a special part in our hearts for to resist or escape it, he advises. strong belief in the afterlife." Acknowledge it and allow the Mariel says the bereaved can them. This is achieved through sadness and emptiness to find consolation in the belief the process of closure. When we cleanse you. that noone dies alone. "There is speak about grief, there are two "When you allow yourself to much scientific and spiritual closures that come to mind. The experience depression, it will research now readily available first is the unrealistic wrap-up leave as soon as it has served its to endorse this concept," she we expect after a loss. It has purpose in your loss. As you claims. "Prior to death people become an added burden not grow stronger it may return begin to be aware that they have just to mourn and grieve the from time to time but that is the ability to leave their loss, but to find that closure and how grief works." physical body and have what is find it quickly so you can move He describes acceptance as a called an "out of body" on. process, not a final stage with experience. It is during those an end result. "Acceptance is out-of-body trips that dying not about liking the situation. It patients become aware of the Missing pieces is about acknowledging all that presence of beings who "The second kind of closure has been lost and learning to surround them, who guide them involves doing things that help live with it. This stage is about and help them.Young children put the loss in perspective, such accepting the permanent reality often refer to them as their as reviewing what happened that our loved one is physically playmates. The churches in and why or looking for missing

Feelings of grief
"There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle. These feelings are important because they are the body's protective mechanisms. Denial often comes in the form of questioning our reality: Are they really gone? It is also a way of denying the pain while trying to accept the reality of the loss." Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. It does not have to be logical or valid. It surfaces when you are feeling safe enough to know you will probably survive whatever comes. "The truth is that anger does not have limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died but also with God. You may ask, 'Where is God in this? Is this really His will? You may feel He is a disappointment and find your faith is shattered. Honour your anger by allowing yourself to be angry. Scream if you need

pieces of the stories and filling in the gaps. It can range from finding the abuser of a loved one to finding a way to say goodbye after a loved one died at the end of a long struggle with illness." In the loss of a young loved one, people may oversimplify the stages, she says. "We expect six months of denial then a few months of anger and depression followed by some bargaining. Finally, we expect to find acceptance, which we imagine will lead to some type of closure. "For some, losing a loved one, especially a child, will always be part of the parents' past and will live in their hearts which makes the concept of closure unrealistic. Sometimes the only acceptance is the realisation that death has happened and that through time you learn to live with it." She says no matter how you work at "feeling your feelings" fully you will never really find the closure that you hear about or see on television. "But you do find a place for loss, a way to hold it and live with it. Grief is not a project with a beginning and an end. It is a reflection of a loss that never goes away. We simply learn to live with it, both in the foreground and in the

background. You don't ever bring the grief over a loved one to a close, with time you bring a level of understanding with the loss." Sometimes we hold on to grief far longer than we need because we are afraid the pain is the only remaining link we have with our loved one. "How wrong we are! You don't stop loving someone just because they die. We are forever linked through the energy of their love. Our loved ones are threads in our fabric, woven together again and again throughout our life as a wonderful tapestry creating and remaining in the energy and essence of who we truly are." * Iggy Clarke and Mariel Forde Clarke will hold a two-day worshop entitled "Loved Ones A Whisper Away" at the Galway Bay Hotel on June 7 and 8 from 10am to 5.30pm daily. Topics covered will include what happens when we die, healing after a loved one's suicide, letting go - how to heal grief, guilt and unfinished business and helping children to keep memories alive. Admission is 155. For further information telephone Mariel at (087) 9185421 or Iggy at (087) 2609607 or (091) 790863.