Galway Advertiser 2006/2006_09_14/GA_1409_E1_016.pdf 

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Galway Advertiser

September 14 2006

NEWS

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FASHION

BEAUTY

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H E A LT H

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LIFE

MARY

O'CONNOR

How to get the right parenting balance
If you are a parent of schoolgoing children, September signals a short, sharp jolt to the system. The long summer break is over and it's back to order and routine. During the holiday season systems, and frequently discipline, slips and it may take a little time to get back in the swing of things again, explains Eileen Kelly, a psychologist and co-ordinator of parenting programmes at the Diocesan Pastoral Centre at Arus de Brun in Newtownsmith. "The break from work and school, which we all need, allows most of us to relax and recover from the year's work," she says. "Problem is it can be difficult to get things back on track. By September, school and home schedules are back on, possibly exams, Junior Cert and Leaving Cert are suddenly around the corner and the prospect of winter and the dark evenings loom on the horizon as well." She says parents are tasked with organising, not just their own lives, but family life as well. "Inventing a new regime of better eating, regular meals, exercise and study time and meeting resistance ... this is one of the many challenges we face." So, what is the best way to tackle these and to ensure you create a positive home? "Taking time to reflect on how we communicate (listening as well as talking), how we negotiate and set limits (fairness and consistency), and how we encourage our children (so that they will achieve their potential) can make us more aware of the power of our input in the life of our family. As a result we are empowered to take some positive action." addition, the child / teenager needs to learn that sometimes we do not get what we want and, more importantly, we survive. Also, that sense of predictability and consistency is important to a child. Life is safer and simpler when a parent demonstrates the confidence to stand over their decisions. When children / adolescents overstep the boundaries, as they will inevitably will, using consequences [as different to punishment] and allowing them learn from the consequences of their actions is important. Staying firm, calm and fair while disciplining is challenging but essential." The psychologist describes encouragement as the most powerful parenting tool. "If parents knew just how effective encouragement is we would never stop using it. Encouragement, as different to praise, is about making personal and sincere statements, eg, "Thanks for doing that," rather than "You're wonderful for doing that;" a simple, personal statement rather than a judgement. An encouraging parent looks for effort rather than success and is happy with small improvements, eg, "You worked hard at that," rather than "You didn't win." Trying to see the good in another (especially when we're having a bad day) and setting up positive expectations have the power to change the atmosphere in a family." to delegate and negotiate as circumstances demand. Authoritative parenting has been shown to produce children who are self-confident, selfreliant and avoidant of delinquent activity. "In a home environment where our son or daughter is encouraged, where we look out for the small helpful acts, the efforts and not just the successes, we are more likely to see more of the desired behaviour." At a recent convention of the American Psychological Association the eminent psychologist and theorist, Albert Bandura, spoke about the difference between telling people what to do and showing them. " When we, as parents, demonstrate patience, openness, and consistency we model these behaviours for our children. A behaviour demonstrated is eminently easier to learn than one just explained."

Parenting classes
The Diocesan Pastoral Centre is running a series of parenting classes at various venues next month. These include a seven week course for the parents of teenagers at Aras de Brun, Newtownsmith on Thursday October 5 at 8pm, and an eight week course for parents of primary school children in Spiddal (the venue has not yet been finalised) on Wednesday October 4 at 8pm. Courses are also planned for Knocknacarra, Moycullen and Oranmore. Fees for all courses are 40. Booking is advisable because class sizes are limited. For further information telephone Eileen Kelly at (091) 565066. She says parenting classes offer people an opportunity to learn the necessary skills and to reflect upon how we can achieve harmony in a busy and often stressful world. "In fact, taking some time, initially, to learn the skills of communication, listening and encouragement can simplify dealing with difficult areas and often head-off potential flash points at home. "Classes are facilitated by a team of trained facilitators who are parents themselves and offer the content of the programme in a respectful and non-intrusive manner. The classes are not all about learning skills. At the end of each session a short reflection is offered where participants can take time to appreciate the gift of their children and the spiritual dimension of our lives." The programmes are subsidised by the Galway Diocese as an expression of the Church's care and concern for families, she outlines.

Encouragement is the most powerful patenting tool.

agreement on issues within the family." Setting limits or having discipline in the home is important because it offers a sense of security to children or adolescents, it lets them know that someone cares. "Boundaries are set by offering limited choices. For example, saying to the child, "Do you want toast or cereal?" rather than "what do you want to eat?" which leaves too many options, or "Eat that!" which will often meet with resistance. In the same way when a teenager wants to go to a

party, for example, offer them the option of going but getting agreement that you will drop them off and pick them up or make contact with the parent who is hosting the party."

Under pressure
Sometimes parents must say "no". When this happens it is important to explain the reasoning behind the decision and not relent if put under pressure to change their mind. " This might not be very popular but it is not our job to be popular. In

Fair hearing
She says research indicates that a home in which children are given a fair hearing, are encouraged to participate in the work and life of the family, and where basic rules of right and wrong are fairly and consistently enforced produces confident and caring adults. "In theoretical terms this is called Parental Demandingness and Parental Responsiveness...in other words that children need to have their basic needs met appropriately and at the same time learn that life is a twoway process. That is, we have a duty to make demands on our children by giving them age appropriate responsibilities as well as meeting their needs. Studies show us that children raised in such a home grow up with a good sense of self, ie, high self-esteem." Parents who achieve this balance are termed "authoritative" parents, explains Ms Kelly. "They are not overly controlling (authoritarian) nor totally passive (permissive). In other words, they are aware of their ultimate responsibility as parents and at the same time able

Communication
The keys to successful parenting are communication, discipline and encouragement, she says. These skills, if practised and used effectively, have the ability to transform a family, she believes. "Communication is all about allowing the other person to explain their side of the story; encouraging them to express the feelings and helping them to name the feeling because we know that a feeling talked out is less likely to be acted out. Obviously, communication is also about having our message heard. We discover though that once the other person has been given a hearing they are more open to hearing us out. The skills used in problem solving (brainstorming, choosing an acceptable solution, plans for implementing the solution and a review ) can be helpful in getting

The keys to successful parenting are communication, discipline, and encouragement, says Eileen Kelly a psychologist and co-ordinator of the Galway Pastoral Centre, Newtownsmith. Photos: Mike Shaughnessy.