Galway Advertiser 2003/2003_07_17/GA_17072003_E1_030.pdf 

Extracted text

28

Galway Advertiser July 17 2 0 0 3 i

News

n Fashii'> Beaut

M

Dealing with personal conflict
ARY A N D John separated recently. T ir three young children live with Mary in the family home. The father only sees them at weekends because he travels a lot in hi: |ob. Mary complains he telephones them too often and for too lo g during the week. John insists he will phone them whenever he lifes.
1

Last weekend, John called to D O O R O F collect the children as usual. Mary tackled him on the doorstep about R E S O L U T I O N the phone calls saying he needed to "back-off a bit". She said the calls were upsetting the children The adverse effects of conflict and suggested he rang on spill over into other areas of peo Wednesday nights only. John was ple's lives, he says. So, if your incensed. "These are my children home life is full of upheaval and too", he insisted. stress, this may carry over into He demanded to be able to call your work or social life. Equally, them whenever he wished and told those who are having problems at her if she didn't comply, she would work may find it hard to switch off hear from his lawyer. Mary fought when they get home. fire with fire. She said her solicitor Can conflict be useful? told her she could get a court order McElderry says critical events in restraining him from making these our lives often bring into sharp calls. At this stage, the conversa focus the things that matter most. tion had escalated into a nasty row. A family can become united when Neighbours had come out of their a marriage or relationship of one houses to see what was happening. of its members breaks down. The children were crying as John Estranged family members set bundled them into his car and aside old differences and rally drove off at speed, leaving Mary round. Also, acknowledging that sobbing on the doorstep. conflict exists brings it to the fore Does this scenario sound famil and allows the door of resolution iar? Do you often find yourself in to open. situations like this where you are But it can take time before peo locked in personal conflict with ple accept that there is a problem your ex partner or spouse? Both of and that their relationship has you are desperately anxious to be descended into strife and disagree heard and believe your point is the ment. Many of us back away from only one with merit. acknowledging that things are not Lyle McElderry, a Galway based right, preferring not to face the real mediator and trainer in conflict issue. resolution, says there are no win "It is often easier and more ners, only losers in such situations. comfortable to feel we are right "The question is: why are John than begin the challenging process and Mary fighting in this way and of seeking mutually acceptable how can we help them stop? The solutions," says McElderry. way this couple argues says a lot "Acknowledging that you need the about them. How we argue often other party to help you solve the reveals more about ourselves than difficulties between you is a hard those we argue with," he believes. bridge to cross, but you must be "We all have internal conflicts to prepared to try. Remember, it takes deal with. Think of the kind of two to more than tango." people who push your buttons and He says in John and Mary's then ask yourself how those but case, it is easier for them to defend tons got there in the first place." their positions, especially as both feels they have the law on their

stle. "Mary wants the phone calls to sfcp and John wants them to con tinue. Each blames the other but doing so loses control of the outcome. Blame is like a ball, hen you say, 'I'm right, you're rong, you fix it!' you pass the all to the other party to do with it 'as they will. You lose control of the outcome. However, there is a better way. This involves digging deeper for answers and solutions."

SURFACE TENSIONS
He says the key to resolving conflict lies in a keenness to delve beneath surface tensions. I f you can look beyond the burning issue, in this case the phonecalls, you will realise these are not the real bone of contention, merely symp toms of a deeper conflict. "There are any number of rea sons why the phone calls seem to have become an issue for this cou ple. One thing is certain, they are likely not to be the real issue. The reasons may well be found in what separation means for each of them. Mary may feel John's calls are intrusive, as they are now living separately. Is he trying to control her? Is he trying to persuade the children to live with him? Is he using the children to spy on her? John's chief concern may be main taining contact with his children; they may represent a rock to which he must cling. He may feel he has lost his role as a husband and des perately needs to maintain a sense of still being a father by making the telephone calls." When we are in conflict with others, it is wise to step back and attempt to find common ground,

* The key to resolving conflict lies in a keenness to delve beneath sur face tensions says Lyle McElderry, Galway based mediator.
he advises. Uncovering needs and concerns will help you untangle what is important for you. "You may well be surprised to find that there are interests that you share. In this couple's case, the welfare of the children is likely to be a mutual interest. Finding a solution that will stop their bicker ing may well be another, as might avoiding having to go to Court, and so on." While these interests may dif fer, they may not necessarily com pete. "John may not object to Mary wanting to feel separated while Mary may have no difficulty with John wanting to feel like a father." Recognising these mutual and differing interests will make the conflicting phone call issue easier to solve. Both will feel their needs are being taken into account and feel more amenable to finding a solution that works. "In this way, the pie becomes larger. Perhaps a schedule x;an be agreed, so everyone knows when the calls can and will take place."