Galway Advertiser 2003/2003_04_03/GA_03042003_E1_018.pdf 

Extracted text

News

Fashion

Beauty

a m
M a k i n g your marriage w o r k
T H E R E ARE two moments that are etched indelibly onto Anne's memo ry. The first was in the early stage of her relationship with Alan when time seemed to stand still every time they m e t . They h a d eyes only for each other a n d revelled in the feel ing of being loved. One day years laler while having a blazing row she looked into his eyes and suddenly saw a stranger. He was no longer the man she loved and she w o n d e r e d w h e r e it all had g o n e wrong. Some marriages survive rocky patches and emerge all the stronger despite having endured disappoint ment, loss and misunderstandings. O t h e r s , h o w e v e r are p e r m a n e n t l y damaged by a build-up of anger, con fusion and bitterness. Relationships require effort and n u r t u r i n g say e x p e r t s w h o warn against taking your partner for granted or cutting yourself off from each other as you grapple with internal conflict or external pressures. The pay back from a good rela t i o n s h i p is i m m e n s e - the l o v e , warmth, and care will enrich your life, says Eamonn Murphy, a senior clinical psychologist and a director of the Galway Family Services Institute at the Liosban Estate in Galway. "Relationships are good for us. It is often said that if we have the right kind of attachments, we are more like ly to live longer, feel happier and have better mental and physical health. " Relationships are governed by rules, some of which we are often unaware, he says. Unconsciously, we tend to take a route which leads to long-term advantage. "Some of these rules arise from c o m m u n i t y c u s t o m and can vary greatly. Others take the form of laws and still others are put in place by the partners themselves. These latter rules develop with understanding as a rela tionship progresses and can be quite unique to the two people involved. How they apply these rules or mutual understandings will often determine how the relationship works." Frequendy these rules or guiding principles are shaped by disagreement, misunderstanding and conflict, he e x p l a i n s . P r o l o n g e d conflict, for as comr of living together rather than mutually growing together in a relationship. "For a couple, following the rules will g e n e r a l l y lead t o l o n g - t e r m advantage sometimes at the expense of short-term gain. Examples would be giving up excessive drinking to save money. For the more foresightcd. taking advantage of a good education or giving oneself a chance to mature before taking on too many responsibil ities will generally lead to greater per sonal security."

PERSONAL BAGGAGE
What can eat away at a marriage? Bringing a lot of personal baggage, such as unresolved hurts, into a rela tionship can spell trouble, says the psychologist. Having unrealistic expectations can be a barrier to a suc cessful relationship, too. Some people think marriage will wipe away all their problems and provide them with hap piness, security and fulfilment but this can be asking too much. "A relationship is scarcely about making somebody happy and if it was it would appear to have little success. Some experts feel that happiness - that most inner sense of peace, serenity and tranquillity - is not given to us by the person we have a relationship with. Rather, it is the result of a very personal voyage which involves com ing to terms with suffering, personal sadness and historical hurts from childhood. "It c o m e s from t h e p e r s o n a l efforts, even with the help of others, to reach that stage of maturity where the individual is satisfied with the person he/she is. Reaching that stage of wis dom is more likely to provide for a satisfactory relationship." Without this personal journey towards self-reconciliation and heal ing, the expectations brought into mar riage can be disastrous, he says. "Nobody can possibly love the u n h e a l e d and hurt personality in somebody permanently. Worse still, it is frequently this unhealed, angry and demanding person that is put forward as the object to be loved by the part ner. If you are seriously in conflict with yourself, this disharmony is like ly to engender a troubled relationship with somebody else."

It is often said that if we have the right kind of attachments, we are more likely to live longer, says psychologist Eamonn Murphy. To truly love somebody else, you need to be happy and reasonably satis fied with yourself. Murphy believes. "Otherwise the unresolved hurts and Eamonn Murphy offers the following tips for a better relationship:trauma in the lives of partners in a relationship can become the founda * Don't bring a dowry of personal difficulties with you into the relationship. tion for a very unstable, neurotic and You cannot expect somebody else to heal these with love and acceptance. Ah unhappy life where the good they also unconscious attraction often leads people to choose a partner with an equal possess can be killed off." amount of distressing problems. It is only a matter of time before those partners

WAYS TO A BETTER MARRIAGE

will find themselves locked together in battle which will intensify the hurt they experienced before they met

WHAT PUTS A MARRIAGE UNDER PRESSURE?
* Getting married too young before the individuals' personalities have time to mature * G e t t i n g m a r r i e d after a short courtship which means the relation ship has not had time to develop * Getting pregnant at a young age and then getting married * Not having dealt with personal issues arising from a dysfunctional family

* People will stay in a relationship if the balance of rewards minus the costs isi as good as they think they can get from the various alternatives open to them explains the psychologist. This means understanding that your partner's virtues outweigh his or her flaws. You choose to enjoy the positives rather than drown the relationship in a preoccupation with the negatives * Understand that relationships are never static. They have an "unstable stabili ty" about them and will test the maturity of those involved * The patterns in a courtship are likely to continue in a marriage. Difficulties should be confronted when they arise and resolved if possible. * Realise your own limitations and be aware of excessive compromising for [the sake of "peacc$ * Laying blame is a waste of energy which could be better directed at repairing damage or starting afresh * Jealousy and control is never a mature way to deal with your partner * Don't expect him/her to be able to deal with all your hidden needs and hurts. You must work on these issues yourself

The