Galway Advertiser 1999/1999_09_16/GA_16091999_E1_012.pdf 

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News Views

O'Connor
Fashion Features

Battling the bottle
MARIE'S husband always liked a drink. Often they went out together in the early years of their marriage and enjoyed a quiet drink on their own or with friends.
But as the years went by, she began to notice alcohol was beginning to feature increasingly in his life. He began to drink more and was soon heading to the pub straight from work and only returning home to his wife and two children after closing time. As his drinking problem worsened, he became more difficult to live with. He was constantly causing arguments and then storming out in a temper to the local pub. He became verbally and physically abusive to his sons as they grew older and the whole household lived in terror of his black moods and erratic behaviour. Desperate to maintain a normal life, Marie lied to his boss, his friends, and to herself to protect her husband. "I tried all the time to pre tend that everything was normal when it wasn't. 1 used to cover up for his drinking. He'd go on benders and disappear for days on end. When people rang up for him, I'd pretend he was in the bath but I wouldn't have seen him for days." She tried to control him in a bid to stop him drinking but nothing worked. "I felt responsible for him and believed it was my fault that his drinking was out of control. But nothing would stop him. It was like trying to halt an express train." Marie's life was dominated by her husband's drinking. "You become so demented when you live with this problem. My life was unmanage able. I went to a doctor once and asked could he commit me to a mental hospital as I felt I was going mad. "I went everywhere for help, to doctors, counsellors, priests, the police, and the Samaritans. I walked out on my husband many times but he always assured me he'd stop. He said he loved me to bits." She first heard about Al-Anon, a self-help group for relatives and friends of alcoholics, in a woman's magazine 10 years ago. "I'll never forget my first meeting. All the other people's stories were so like mine. Driving home that night, I began to cry. But for the first time, I cried tears of relief, not despair." behaviour and put a life together for me and the children. He was left with his problems. I no longer fixed them or picked him up." She told her husband she did not want to continue living with him. "We separated and he continued to drink for another six months. Then, he stopped drinking and has never taken a drink since. That was nine years ago and today, they have a good life together. However, the alcoholic illness still lingers in the shadows. The worst part of living with alcoholism for over 30 years was the effect it had on her children, she says. "They were terribly affected but I didn't realise it. I was always covering up for his drinking and pretend ing everything was normal. I didn't realise the children were being damaged by growing up with this insanity."

ALCOHOLIC SECRET

ANNE'S HUSBAND had been drinking since he was 14-years-old. When she first got to know him, he was not drinking but soon afterwards developed an alcohol problem.

"It got so bad that he was unable to get out of bed. Once, he drank 30 bottles of wine in three days," she recalls. He joined a self-help group but that did not work out. When Anne became pregnant, he stayed sober for a year. But after their first child was bom, he slipped again and began drinking in earnest. His wife worked in the home and tried to hide his alcoholic secret from the world. She pretended to her family that everything was fine and struggled to cope. "I used to feel ashamed and responsible for his drinking and I used to SUPPORT quieten the children and make excuses for their dad. I never asked any At Al-Anon, Marie found acceptance, understanding, and support. "I questions where our money was going and I didn't demand a lot for realised it wasn't my fault that my husband drank. It was pointed out myself so that I wouldn't upset him. (I hated arguments and wanted that alcoholism is an illness, the alcoholic does not drink out of choice." peace at any price.) I lied to people who rang him - because he wasn't Eventually, he attended a doctor who referred him to an alcohol treat After a year in the group, she was strong enough to stand up for her able to answer the phone or appear at work. I was too embarrassed to ment centre. A counsellor there told Anne about Al-anon. Like Marie, self. "I began to take control of my life. I started to detach myself from tell the truth." she too cried through her first meeting. his "I was amazed at what I was hearing. These people were talking about how it felt living with an alcoholic. They spoke out loud what 1 had tried to keep secret for years. Some of them even seemed happy to be living with an alcohol abusing partner!" Al-anon changed Anne's life. Through the group, she learned to cope and to re-build her self-esteem. "I learned alcoholism is a disease. People at the meetings told me I didn't cause his drinking, nor could I cure or control it. Instead of putting my energy into trying to change him, I tried to improve my life. I realised I hadn't had a peaceful minute for three years, I had been minding our two children round the clock without a break." > Her life has improved greatly since she joined Al-anon, she says. "By simply sharing our strength and hope, we help one another. The fact that the meetings are anonymous is important. Who I see, what I say there, and what I hear is never repeated." A public information meeting of Al-anon, the self help organ isation for relatives and friends of alcoholics, will be held at the Lady Gregory Hotel, Ennis Road, Gort on Saturday at 3pm. The meeting will be addressed by both Al-anon and Al-ateen members. T h e guest speaker will be Michael Hardiman, an alcoholism counsellor who specialises in family recovery. For further information on your nearest Al-anon group, write to The Al-anon information centre, Room 5 , 5 , Capel Street, Dublin 1. Telephone (01) 8732699 from 10.30am to 2.30pm.