Galway Advertiser 1995/1995_03_16/GA_16031995_E1_016.pdf 

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I n t h e second p a r t o f a t w o p a r t series o n c o p i n g w i t h violence i n t h e h o m e . M a r y O ' C o n n o r r e p o r t s o n S O A R , a s u p p o r t g r o u p f o r w o m e n o v e r c o m i n g abusive relationships.

Slow Journey T o Recover
and support for these women in the community. It provides a safe place where women can meet and support each other on what is sometimes a slow and painful journey to healing. A therapist gendy guides them through their hurt, which may be the It is not often possible to identify abusive or potentially abusive result of years of relendess domestic abuse. men. There is no such thing as a standard abuser who slots conve Members reveal only their first names and confidentiality is guar niently into a category. anteed. Abusers can as easily be blue eyed charmers with a smooth line in The women are encouraged to take responsibility for their own chat as mean mouthed misers who publicly despise the women they healing at a pace at which they feel comfortable. once purported to love and cherish. Women's Aid in Dublin recently highlighted this fact with its striking posters which read 'He gave her flowers, chocolates and multiple bruising.' An image which mirrors the situation for many women today. SOAR, a support group for women who have experienced abusive relationships, was formed in Galway last year in response to what its local founders perceived as a lack of understanding

ny woman, regardless of social class, can be a victim of domestic violence. Potential wife beaters don't look like monsters and more often then not, don't act in an anti-social manner when outside the home.

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They share their experiences of being abused and degradeTaad receive support and understanding from the group. Women who walk away from violent partners feel afraid and uncer tain, says Jackie Carroll, one of the co-founders of the Galway branch of SOAR. "They feel extremely vulnerable, they don't know where to get advice about entitlements or to find safe accommodation. They are terrified of their husbands and have lost a lot of their confidence. 1 spoke to a women reeendy who thought she had got over her fear of her husband. Yet when she saw a man who resembled him in the street, she got terrified and ran." Women benefit greatly from the emotional sup port of others who have been through the same pain and distress, she says. "It is important not to have to put a brave face on suffering all the time, to be able to share it with others who understand. Sometimes friends and relatives may not offer support."

Free At Last
hen Ann married her boyfriend of four years, little did she realise that all her deeply cherished hopes for the future would shortly be destroyed. She worked full-time as a nurse, he was a teacher, everything looked rosy. They lived a comfortable life in the west of Ireland. If somebody told her she would become a bartered wife, she wouldn't have believed them. There were no tell-tale signs, Simon never hit her or threatened violence. However, he was often critical of her friends and how she dressed, but she took no notice. The violence started when her daughter was fif teen months old. "He was very critical of the way I handled the baby, how I made the bottles. One day he went wild and lashed out at me, he threw things around the room. I was terrified and ran out of the house." When Ann returned four hours later, her husband acted as if nothing had happened. But the destructive behaviour pattern had been established and soon, he began to lash out at her on a regular basis. 'I spend a lot of my married life,* planning what to say. Simple things would send him into a rage, like asking him to get a gas cylinder., If I didn't agree with him, he'd go crazy. Once he tried to strangle me. "In between the violent outbursts, there were good times, but those were mainly in the early and mid dle years of our marriage." Simon didn't drink, sometimes Ann wished he did."If he drank, at least I'd know when to expect an attack. There was no pattern, the violence could erupt anytime." During his calmer moments, he often admitted he had a problem and promised to seek professional help. But he never did. Ann continued to work and hid her pain from family and friends. Her husband did ail in his power to destroy her, he took out the fuses so she could not watch television or read a book. He fiddled with the car so it would break

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and her body aching from beatings, Ann went back to the house of terror she called home. No one, with the exception of her next door neigh bours, suspected her husband of being a wife bat terer. He was a highly respected member of the local community and was active in various organ isations. One day, after seven years of marriage, Ann decid ed she had had enough. "I lived in constant terror, I spent every waking moment trying to survive. It got too much for me. I got depressed and could hardly work." Four years ago today, she sneaked out of the house with her two small children and headed for the Women's Refuge in Galway. "I left my husband a note, telling him I'd gone. I told his family, whom I had been close to, why I left. They persuaded him to move out and I got a Protection Order." She got custody of the children and returned to her home. Her husband begged her to give him a sec ond chance, he telephoned her constantly - he rang her 12 times one day- but she refused to relent. Two years later, Ann and her children moved to Galway, where they now live. She felt she needed to get away from her past. Slowly, she is rebuilding her life. It's not easy bringing up two children on her own and making ends meet. But it is a small price to pay for free dom and peace of mind, she says. "It's wonderful to be free again. To know the beat ings are over, that I can have nice things of my own, like clothes. "1 used to have terrible nightmares and flash backs. Td be out shopping and I'd roar crying. It's hard to believe I am free at last." * Ann and Simon are not their real names. * Anyone interested in joining SOAR should con tact (091) 67435. The group meets on Tuesdays from 7.30-9pm. down when she went for a drive He verbally abused her from morning to night until she was afraid of opening her mouth lest she uttered the wrong word. She paid all the bills while he frittered his money away. The neighbours intervened during one particularly bad row and called the guards. When they arrived, Simon answered the door but refused to let them in. He insisted Ann stay in the bedroom. The guards asked to see her and wondered if she were alright. "What could 1 say but 'yes'. If I said no, I'd be in for a worse beating." She took a week off work because her face was covered with bruises. Usually her husband only inflicted. wounds on hidden areas of her body. When she was pregnant with her second child, she decided to leave. She worried about how she would survive, where she would go. Her family lived hundreds of miles away. Her spirit broken * SOAR also runs a telephone helpline (67435) on Mondays. Trained advisors will provide practical information and advice. The organisation also pro vides a court accompaniment service for women seeking legal redress for their situation. * Waterside House for distressed women is sit uated at Waterside, Woodquay. TeL 65985.

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