Galway Advertiser 1991/1991_11_28/GA_28111991_E1_016.pdf 

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In t h e s e c o n d part of h e r feature o n single m o t h e r s , M a r y O ' C o n n o r talks t o a m o t h e r w h o kept h e r c h i l d r e n .

LOOKING FOR LOVE
Then reality struck. I knew I'd have to tell my parents or never see them again. The latter seem ed the easier option. I was in the middle of my studies and knew unless I finished college I'd have I couldn't remember ever being really happy not great difficulty getting a decent job to suppport me even as a child so I guess I was seeking happiness. and my child. I remember a teacher, a nun, saying to us in Inter Cert that we would never find happiness in this life. The baby's father didn't feature in this at all. He That phrase haunted me. But I kept looking for hap was doing his finals and I couldn't tell him I was piness everywhere. pregnant. Things weren't great between us and I couldn't see any future in the relationship. I didn't realise then that it is relative, a balance between what you've got and what you want. But FORGOT ABOUT PREDICAMENT I realise it now. I've got two beautiful children, I'm still "on my own" but now I've got a reason, In the panic that followed I decided to have an two reasons in fact, to live and make the best of life. abortion. Once I had made up my mind, I forgot about my predicament. It would be over in a few I'm the middle child of my family - there are weeks and nobody need ever know about it. I didn't five of us altogether. They say middle children make any arrangements. I never got that far, Thank often cause trouble. I'm not blaming my family, God. but I never seemed to fit in. My two older sisters In the days that followed, I realised I had some stuck together and I was just a kid to them. The next after me was a boy - what my parents always real friends who cared about me. Their love made wanted - and then came the little sister who took me appreciate how wonderful life can be. I knew my place as the baby girl of the family. I was just then I had to give my baby the chance to experience the richness and beauty of life. me and that was never enough. So I turned to my friends for attention. They teas ed me and I used to act the fool to get noticed. I did well in my exams and went on to college where I tried everything just for the experience. When I say I tried everything, I mean it. My mother had always been strict and as I was living at home I still had to do as I was told. When all you get at home is discipline, not love, it's difficult to respect that discipline. AT ODDS WITH MYSELF I learned to love my mother through my children, but I still realise we are worlds apart. When I got a chance to leave home, I leaped at it. I was so used to rebelling that I found it dif ficult to live any other way. I seemed to be con stantly at odds with myself. I was going from 'rela tionship" to "relationship". One was worse than the other. My first real relationship in college was with a guy who teased me for being a virgin. I lost my virginity for him. Sex became an object for me after that, not something special between people in love. It was inevitable that I would "get caught". I didn't take any precautions, because then I would have to admit what I was doing. "I'm not sure what I was looking for - love or attention, but I went through a phase of crazy "relationships" before I got pregnant with my first child. I was drinking a lot, I had been since I first tasted alcohol. I was in the middle of my Ph D - my life seemed to be real ly going places - except to me. I know it sounds crazy but when I discovered I was pregnant it was one of my happiest moments. It gave meaning to my life. Once I decided to have him I found the strength to tell my parents. Unfortunately, at this time my eldest sister was expecting her first child. My parents were excited and I still don't know how I found the words to tell them about "my news". My mother guessed. She sensed there was something bothering me. She was great and although marriage or adoption were her two choices for me, she continued to support me through my decision. My dad was deeply shocked and hurt and didn't speak to me during my pregnancy. I'll never forget the hurt in his eyes everytime he looked at me. Still, I knew now I couldn't give my baby away. Preparing for birth is traumatic for every woman, but worse for a single parent. My friends were great. I couldn't have survived without them. My family, except for my mother, gave me no sup port at all. I couldn't face telling my parents about the pregnancy and asked a priest friend to do it. I know it wasn't fair of me to get him to do the dirty work but I couldn't bear seeing my parents injured faces again. They are still hurt and angry. I hope some day their pain will ease and they will learn to love their two grandchildren. Having a daughter has helped me to change my ways. My mother always said a man only treats a woman the way she wants him to. In a way that's true. I haven't needed a man since my daughter was born. When she's older, I hope to teach her the folly of my ways. If women don't respect themselves, no man will. When I look at my life today, I realise how lucky I am. I'm so glad I went ahead with my pregnan cies. My two children are my pride and joy.

PUBLIC P A T I E N T I had my son as a public patient in a large Dublin hospital. The attitude of the staff was disgraceful. They seemed to go out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable. I must emphasise that I had my second child in Galway and was treated with great kindness and warmth. It took me a while to bond with my son and I feel the hospital was to blame for this. My mother came to see me and brought gifts for the baby. She invited us home later and my father doted on his grandson. They were terrified the neighbours would find out about my child so we smuggled him in and out of the house. It put a lot of strain on us. I fell in love with a wonderful guy when my son was about two. We hoped to marry but when he told his parents about my child they did all in their power to split us up. We finally parted. I was alone again, even more so now because my son had started school. Because I had a child, most men thought I was loose. At first, I resisted their advances, having learnt my lesson. Then I realised I wanted to feel loved at any price. If sleeping with a man was the way to get him, then that's what I would do. I realise now how stupid I was. But it was too late, I was pregnant again. INJURED FACES Abortion didn't even seem an option this time. I knew when I would look at my son I would think of the baby. I couldn't give it up for adoption either because my son would never understand. Anyway I didn't want to give my baby to someone else. The father ignored me. I was desperate. A friend suggested I contact Cura. I wasn't so keen on the idea initially. Because of its Catholic associations I imagined it to be very right-wing. But I was desperate so I went along. I found the people very warm and caring. My counsellor was wonderful, like a true friend. She helped me through the pregnancy and wanted to help me sort out the other problems in my life too. I am forever in her debt. She was always there for me during those trying times and is still there today.

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Model today am"

"When Hook at my life I realise how lucky I
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SINGLE AND PREGNANT?
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Telephone (091) 61077 Western Health Board Community Welfare Officer Counselling and Support Telephone (091) 2 3 1 2 2 Public Health Nurses Telephone (091) 2 3 1 2 2 Maternity Unit U.C.H. Tel: 24222

A Single Mother who gave her child up for adoption.

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"I had my son as a patient in a large Dublin Hospital"

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