Galway Advertiser 2003/2003_02_06/GA_06022003_E1_016.pdf 

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Surviving setbacks
YOU W E R E passed over for promotion, the d r e a m holiday was a disaster and your son barely scraped through his Christmas exams. It's not fair, you howl as you struggle to cope with another of life's upsets. Whether it's a major set back or a smaller hitch, there is still a feeling of bitter disappointment and hurt. If you are unlucky enough to get a few kicks in the teeth like this, one after the other, it can take time to get over them. How can we best survive setbacks and are there sup port mechanisms we can incorporate into our lives to give us the strength to cope? Patrick Flanagan, a local counsellor who runs train ing seminars for the corpo rate, voluntary and com munity sector, says it is i m p o r t a n t first of all to determine if the obstacles a n d brick w a l l s we e n c o u n t e r bring out the best in us or leave us feel ing frustrated and angry. "Ask yourself if these setbacks activate your resources so that you can curiously explore all the possible ways of respond ing or do they leave you feeling angry, irritable, deflated or even worse, inadequate and depressed?" Setbacks come in many forms, he says, from j o b losses, financial difficul ties and personal injury to illness or a breakdown in c o m m u n i c a t i o n or rela tionship. "Yet the way we describe these setbacks to o u r s e l v e s and others is very similar. For example, 'This is the worse thing that ever happened to me', or 'Why am 1 so unfortu nate?' or 'How could I be so stupid?' Other respons es include 'I'll never get o v e r this' or 'I can't d o anything right.' "Sometimes, it can seem like the whole world and everyone in it is conspir ing against us and that all our efforts are in vain. At times like this, it can be tempting to fall into the trap of victimisation and self-abasement." But this won't do you any good and will only p r o l o n g your misery. Better then to decide to improve your coping s t r a t e g i e s and build up your resilience so that you will be able to r e c o v e r faster from life's hurts and move forward after failure. "There's an old saying, 'If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got.' If you want a different result, then you need a different approach or strategy. Sometimes, we go after our goals in life with all our energy, trying to make changes only to end up feeling let-down and disappointed. In the end, we may give up try ing. It seldom occurs to us that the strategy we're using may not be the best one for the task at hand. We try to apply yesterday's solution to today's prob lem and it doesn't work." Other times, we pursue something for so long that we don't notice that we have changed and that the goal is no longer in line with how we see our selves. Flanagan believes there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. "Viewed in this way, failure is only a result you did not want and if you keep modifying your approach based on this feedback, you can use it to take you closer to get ting the results you want. We learn more from our mistakes than our success es. To become more effec tive at anything you do, you need to compare what you have with what you want and act to reduce the mismatch. Then, compare again." People often set them selves up for failure by not taking the time to figure out exactly what they want and p l a n n i n g it out, he says. 1. H a v e a p o s i t i v e approach. There is always an effective way of deal ing with each situation. P r o b l e m s a l w a y s have solutions. These may not be immediately apparent and may not be easy. But it will always be possible to do something. 2. K n o w y o u r i n n e r r e s o u r c e s . Assess your strengths and weaknesses. F l a n a g a n says it is not events which shape your life and d e t e r m i n e how you feel and act. it is more the way you interpret and evaluate your life experi ence. 3. Be flexible. Be will ing to try different approaches until you find the right one. See mistakes as i m p o r t a n t learning experiences and regularly assess where you are in relation to your goals. F l a n a g a n says the main difference between people who seem to be more successful than those w h o a r e not is that suc cessful people ask better questions of themselves and as a result, get better
answers.

"Sometimes, it can seem like the whole world and everyone in it is conspiring against us and that all o u r efforts are in vain. At times I like this, it can be tempting to fall into the t r a p of victimisation and self-abasement."

"Questions immedi ately change what we're focusing on and therefore how we feel. When deal ing with problems and set backs, it is vital to develop a pattern of consistent questions that empower you." He suggests asking yourself the following q u e s t i o n s and notice if they c h a n g e how your feel. What am I happiest about in my life right now? What am I excited about? What am I enjoy ing most? "When dealing with problem situations, it is important to have a consis tent pattern of empower ing q u e s t i o n s to break down blocks and move you forward. Examples of such questions are :- Is this an obstacle or an opportunity to learn some thing I might have other wise overlooked? What does this mean, what would I like it to mean? What's not perfect yet? How can I use this oppor tunity to move forward? W h a t is the first step I could take to turn things around?" 4. Be r e a l i s t i c . Don't expect too much of your self. Remember, you are already producing results in your life. It's just a mat ter of whether they are t a k i n g you where you want to g o . If there is room for improvement, then set attainable goals and watch your dreams become a reality.